


The Wedding Central Roast of Kurt Hummel

by TheSubtextMachine



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, Marriage Proposal, Prompt Fill, Very domestic, Wedding Planning, i use roasts bc its lighter than insults for the record, sebastians unique type of affection (roasts), this fic takes an anti surprise public proposal stance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24245488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSubtextMachine/pseuds/TheSubtextMachine
Summary: "if you’re taking prompts i was wondering some cute kurtbastian + wedding planning w/Kurt being a groomzilla"prompt fill in which, in classic Kurtbastian fashion, they give each other the chance to do a roast at the reception after the love-filled vows. Sebastian spends his talking about Kurt's groomzilla wedding-planning behavior, and in classic Kurtbastian fashion, it ends up being a sneakier version of a love-fest.
Relationships: Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 115





	The Wedding Central Roast of Kurt Hummel

**Author's Note:**

> big thanks to @brryshal and @rydellakurancarson from tumblr for beta-ing this for me!

your recent kurtbastian fic was so so so cute, if you’re taking prompts i was wondering some cute kurtbastian + wedding planning w/Kurt being a groomzilla

“There’s an old joke among my friends,” began Sebastian, holding the mic closely and looking out at the eager, familiar faces of the guests at his wedding reception, “That if I ever managed to settle down enough to get married, I’d be so obsessed with making it perfect that I’d become a total groomzilla.”

A ripple of laughter, the loudest of which came from the friends who had started the joke and could remember a pre-Kurt Sebastian who would roll his eyes and declare that he'd rather die than get married. Sebastian could feel rather than see the presence of Kurt behind him, and every so often, he’d peek behind his shoulder to get the calming image of Kurt’s soft, loving smile in his head before he kept giving his groom’s speech. 

“What my friends here did not account for, however, was that if I ever found someone so revolutionary and perfect for me that I would marry them, that he would be a total force of nature, and Kurt Hummel is exactly that.”

-

Sebastian had been dating Kurt for a year before he realized that Kurt was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, that Kurt was the one he wanted to marry.

He and Kurt were lounging on Sebastian’s bed, Kurt reading a magazine and Sebastian doing a crossword, when he heard Kurt scoff, drawing his attention.

“What’s up? Sebastian asked, his voice still lazy with sleep. 

“Whoever chose that shade of white needs to be shot with rusty, tetanus filled bullets. Look at this,” said Kurt, before passing the magazine over to Sebastian, the pages showing pictures from some celebrity wedding. 

_Okay,_ Sebastian thought, _when me and Kurt get married, I’m going to have to avoid that shade at all costs. Tetanus is a bitch._

The thought hit him three times, once in a wave of pleasure, a nice little wash of “I’m going to wake up next to him for the rest of my life, if this works out”, and then a wave of horror, filled with “Oh my god, I want to marry him. He’s going to hate me, forever is plenty of time to get totally sick of someone”, and then a final rush, stronger than any of the others, of peace. Sebastian took a deep breath in, a deep breath out, and realized that _this_ was exactly where he was supposed to be. 

“Right? It’s disgusting,” said Kurt, mistaking the harsh exhale as a sign of dismayed revulsion.

“Totally. I’ll be the one to take him out,” said Sebastian as he handed the magazine back to Kurt, taking a long look at him as he did.

“Not if I get to him first,” said Kurt, leaning in for a soft peck on the lips before returning back to his read.

_Yeah. This is where I’m meant to be._

-

“What a lot of people don’t know about the wedding planning process is that Kurt actually planned his own proposal,” Sebastian paused, letting the reactions (some laughs, some shocked noises, the like) run through the audience.

Before continuing, he took a sip of his champagne, feeling the grounding sensation of bubbles and a tart taste on his tongue, and then letting himself continue.

“Here’s a fun thing about Kurt that I love- the man hates, and I mean _hates_ surprise proposals. So when we decided to get married, he rigged up this elaborate, entirely staged, public proposal, and I loved every second of it.”

-

When Kurt proposed to Sebastian, it was while they were brushing their teeth together before they went to bed. They had both had hard days at work (Kurt’s PA at Vogue messed up meeting times while Sebastian was handling stacks of thesis papers for him to grade), and they were tired to the bone. 

“You know what I think?” asked Kurt, after spitting out a mouthful of foamy toothpaste.

“What?” asked Sebastian, still with the toothbrush in his mouth.

“I don’t ever want to do this without you,” said Kurt, his mouth clear for a moment, before going back to brushing.

“What do you mean?” asked Sebastian, his words still marred by the continued motion of his brush.

Kurt took a moment to finish brushing, spit out the last of the toothpaste, wiped his face, and began to apply moisturizer.

“This, you know? Coming home from work and seeing each other, figuring out dinner, brushing our teeth and going to bed together, I don’t want to do it with anyone but you.”

Sebastian nodded, and began to say “Me too” before Kurt barrelled on, cutting him off.

“What if we got married?”

At this, Sebastian spit out his toothpaste. 

“Are you proposing to me while I have fucking toothpaste on my face? That’s so embarrassing for me.”

“I’m a sadist. And I’m not necessarily proposing-”

“Shame,” said Sebastian, wiping his face too before turning fully to Kurt. Kurt’s hands stilled.

“What do you-”

“I’m just saying, if you were proposing, I’d say yes,” said Sebastian with a smile splitting across his face, so wide on his tired face that it ached.

“Then fine,” said Kurt, his voice colored by the twin smile growing across his face, “I guess I’m proposing. But you need to do a public proposal, just for the dramatics, okay? I’m thinking… you, me-”

“What the hell kind of proposal wouldn’t have both of us there?” 

“I’m brainstorming, don’t interrupt the process,” said Kurt, before putting two fingers to his temple as he muttered words like “song” and “park” under his breath.

-

“I know many of you witnessed that proposal, too-” Sebastian was interrupted by a peal of applause, which caused him to huff out a soft, surprised laugh. “Yeah, it was really good. 100% Kurt’s idea, too. He’s got a lot of energy for organizing romantic stuff, even if he’s one of the least cheesy people I know.”

Sebastian took a pause to scratch the back of his neck, his mind flashing for a moment to the memory of his and Kurt’s first kiss, which was opened with the line “get over here and kiss me, asshole”.

“I’ll apologize in advance if my fun little groom’s speech is just me talking about wedding planning, because while wedding planning reminded me every reason why our relationship shouldn’t have worked, it also reminded me of every reason that I loved that sucker more than anything. Like, did you guys know that Kurt would rather eat real, literal shit than let his father eat chocolate cake?”

-

“No. We are not going to have it at our wedding, my dad is going to be there.”

“Can your dad really not handle himself? Do you seriously need to take care of him all the time?” Sebastian asked after a long sigh. 

“It is a wedding. My dad will see the wedding cake and say, well, I guess I oughta, it’s a wedding!” said Kurt, gesticulating wildly over the plate of cake samples.

“But I hate vanilla!” said Sebastian, reaching out for a pillow and pushing it into his face, groaning into the pillow as he flopped down on the couch.

“How can anyone hate vanilla!? It’s the basic flavor!”

“Fuck vanilla! Fuck it! I hate it!” said Sebastian loudly into the pillow, not sounding as angry as he did frustrated.

“Okay, okay, no vanilla! You’re a brat who won’t eat adult cake, which is so sad-”

“I miss when cake was just a slang word for ass. Simpler times. I’ve eaten so much cake that I- wait a minute. Wait a fucking minute.”

“What? If this is about how chocolate is the only acceptable-”

“Red velvet. “

“You hate red velvet,” said Kurt, remembering a long, drunken rant from merely a few days ago.

“But remember who hates it even more?” asked Sebastian, his hand moving in a prompting gesture, and when Kurt realized the drift, he gasped.

“Sebastian, you’d do that for me?” Kurt asked, fatigue, affection, and shock at the fact that Sebastian remembered _that_ , of all things, making his eyes awfully damp.

“I’m a genius-”

“Woah, don’t let this get out of hand-”

“We are going to use your baker friends to get the best red velvet we can, and then when Burt avoids it, you can sleep safe for another night,” said Sebastian.

“I love you,” said Kurt, a tear finally falling out. “I can’t believe I’m crying over cake.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve been there before.”

-

“The thing is that Kurt- he _cares_. He cares so much about everyone all the time, and it is exhausting, and I love it. As someone who, according to a passionate review on ratemyprofessors, does not have a caring bone in my body-”

“Fuck that kid!” yelled Kurt from behind him, creating another ripple of giggles through the room, the loudest of which came from Sebastian.

“That’s my husband, you guys!” said Sebastian, getting applause for a few beats before the expectant silence came back, and it was up to Sebastian to continue. “So as you all know, not only is Kurt more caring than anyone, he’s also way more neurotic than anyone. That man knows every shade front and back, and by god he has opinions on them.”

-

“How in the world can you not see the difference! Eggshell versus alabaster is different, and if you order your shirt in one and I order it in the other, we’re going to look like idiots!” sniped Kurt, the two dress shirts he was holding up in comparison still the focus of his eyeline, instead of Sebastian, who was fascinated by a box of cufflinks by his side.

The store they were at for this tuxedo-shopping excursion was horrifically hipster, and owned by one of Kurt’s college friends, who offered a fat discount for his friend (who also happened to be an editor at Vogue).

“Kurt, you know I can’t discern every shade change like you can-”

“I know, I know, I’m just- this is a lot. I thought planning the Hudmel wedding was hard, but when it’s ours it’s so much different, and-”

“Sweetheart,” said Sebastian, rushing over to Kurt and putting his hand on his shoulder, “Do you need a break?”

“No, no, I need to get this done, and I know being mean won’t help, and I’m sorry. I can’t figure it out though, can you choose?”

“Between two white shirts?” Sebastian asked, squeezing the hand on Kurt’s shoulder and waiting for the nod. When Kurt nodded, he handed the two shirts to Sebastian, and went to take a seat on the chair by the dressing room.

“This one,” said Sebastian, after looking closely at the two shirts.

“The egg shell? You’re right, it suits our complexions better, I should’ve trusted my gut, thank you,” rambled Kurt and he took both shirts back, placing one on the rack and bringing the other to the front cashier. 

-

“The next thing that I love about him is that, when he knows exactly what he wants, he will tell you. He’s a creature of honesty, and I love it about him. Kurt won’t lie to you, he just won’t! If I make dinner and he hates it, he will tell me, and you know what that means? When he says he loves it, I know he loves it.”

-

Sebastian had heard that finding the right ring would be impossible, especially for someone as fashion conscious as Kurt, but when he got to the ring store, it was somehow easier than any other part of wedding planning.

He asked Kurt what he wanted for the ring, and Kurt said “I want it simple, with a silver color, it doesn’t need to be silver metal, but I want it to be something I can wear with anything. I think big diamonds are tacky, and my ring size is 10.”

Sebastian came back an hour or two later with a tungsten (“it’s apparently the strongest metal, and I felt like that fit you, since you’re honestly the strongest person I know”) ring and a promise that he could return it if Kurt didn’t like it.

Kur took it, examined it for a while, tried it on, and then looked back up to Sebastian.

“It’s perfect,” he said, face looking almost confused.

“I just got what you wanted,” said Sebastian, confused at Kurt’s reaction before remembering a story of a former engagement beginning with a ridiculous, flowery ring, despite Kurt’s stated taste in the matter of jewelry.

“I guess my taste is just perfect, then.”

-

“So, we all know that Kurt is neurotic, brutally honest, and cares way too much. We also know that he loves to talk, so he's next up on the mic. You already heard the super lovey-dovey stuff during the vows, and I wanted this opportunity to make fun of my husband for a minute or two, a favor he’s going to reciprocate soon... that being said, before I pass the mic off so I can receive an absolute dunking from our favorite Kurt, I want to say one more loving thing. Yes, he was a groomzilla. He was also a boyfriendzilla, then a partnerzilla, and finally, he’ll be a husbandzilla. He’s a force of nature, and I wouldn’t want him any other way. Thank you all!” said Sebastian, going back to sit by Kurt.

Kurt leaned in, giving him a hard kiss, close-lipped but intense in the way that Sebastian couldn’t tell if he was angry or overjoyed.

“That was too nice,” whispered Kurt as he pulled away. “Now I’m going to look like an asshole for all my jokes about your collared shirts.”

Instead of the anger that should’ve been in the words, Kurt just had a smile, and a light teariness that made Sebastian think that his speech was a complete success.

“I love you too,” said Sebastian, giving him another quick kiss before Kurt went to the mic to give his own speech, which was a well-calibrated set of roasts for Sebastian, which he enjoyed every second of, laughing harder than anyone else in the room.

**Author's Note:**

> as you saw in the description.... this is a prompt fill... and i am still taking prompts on my tumblr @thesubtextmachine. just shoot me an ask! also, consider leaving a comment to make my day! thanks for reading!


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